It's All Your Fault

"Paul Rudnick makes me lie hysterical on the floor, screeching with laughter and sobbing with fury that I can't write the way he does." -- E. Lockhart, author of We Were Liars and The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks

My name is Caitlin and up until forty-eight hours ago I had never:

Tasted alcohol, kissed a boy, sang in public at the top of my lungs, kidnapped anyone or -- WHAT? STOLEN A CONVERTIBLE?

Now I'm in jail and I have no idea what I'm going to tell:

The police, my parents, the mayor, all of those camera crews and everyone on Twitter.

I have just noticed that:

My nose is pierced and I have-WAIT? IS THAT A TATTOO?

I blame one person for this entire insane weekend:

My famous cousin.

Who is also my former best friend.

Who I have HATED for the past four years.

Who I miss like crazy. NO I DON'T!!!!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, HELLER HARRIGAN!!!!