Man: The Book

The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.

Be A Man

Some hard-and-fast rules from Man: The Book

If something happens to the pilot, you must land the plane.

If you're tweezing your eyebrows, you might as well go ahead and wax your labia too.

If a sandwich anywhere costs more than a steak at Outback, do not purchase it.

A sister's cleavage is always fair game, unless it is your own sister.

If it gets you into bed with a girl, it isn't a lie.

Since 1997 is over, no more tribal band tattoos allowed. Period.

Men who aren't diehard fans of at least one NFL team should be looked upon with scorn and suspicion.

Stop being a wuss and read--no, memorize this book.